


Teach me how to trust

by softshumjr



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Depression, Fluff, Healing, M/M, Panic Attacks, Photographer!Magnus, Tattoos, Trust Issues, alec&underhill are bffs, alec/underhill/clary are disaster gays trio, but the road isn't always easy, catarina is the most supportive and protective friend, helping each other to learn how to trust again, i promise the struggling isn't overwhelming it's all about getting better, it's about finding healthy coping mechanisms and becoming happy, it's about some things that happened in their lives before they even met, more tags to be added as the story progresses, possible smut in the future chapters that could either leave this fic at M or maybe go to E, tattoo artist!alec
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-04
Updated: 2018-11-29
Packaged: 2019-07-25 06:30:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16191989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softshumjr/pseuds/softshumjr
Summary: Magnus has been thinking of getting this tattoo for a long time, it's something that's incredibly important to him. He's still dealing with the aftermath of the story behind the tattoo.Alec has been a tattoo artist for years, he loves his job. He's surrounded by his friends and family. Something might be still preventing him from being happy.A story of two people who deal with their own demons. A story of two people who help each other heal without even realising it. A story of falling in love and being vulnerable.





	1. chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hello! i present to you my new baby, something that i've been working on for a while now and despite the fact it's still being written, it will be finished bc i don't like unfinished stories ;)
> 
> i hope you will come with me on this journey of magnus and alec getting better and falling in love <3  
> there will be attempt at humour as well, i can promise you that too
> 
> i would love to see what you think of this chapter, i hope you will like it as much as i did while writing it!
> 
> you can find me on tumblr [@harryshmjr](http://harryshmjr.tumblr.com) or on twitter [@harryshmjr_](https://twitter.com/harryshmjr_)

Alec loved his job. He had a successful tattoo studio, he was surrounded by his family and friends. Life was good. Maybe it wasn’t ideal, but whose life really was. He felt like he was doing something that mattered, that’s what was important to him. And if Izzy tried to tell him that life wasn't all about work, and that he should finally let himself out there to find someone he could spend his life with, he would just pretend to be very focused on sketching something. 

He loved his sister, she always meant well, and she never pushed him very hard when she saw he wasn’t comfortable with something. She was worried, and he appreciated her trying to make him feel better. But it wasn’t the time, not yet. He didn’t feel ready after the last relationship blowing into his face. The guy cheated on him, making his trust issues almost unbearable. Not that he didn't struggle with them his whole life. He would probably spend the rest of his life trying to deal with them. He couldn’t help but think that maybe he was meant to only focus on his job, and being with people closest to him. He was okay with it. If there was only one thing missing in his life, he could absolutely try to ignore it. His therapist always said it wasn’t the solution to any of his problems. Maybe one day he would listen.

He loved working on tattoos, especially the most detailed ones that had a story behind them. Sure, he enjoyed making casual tattoos too. But the ones that meant something to someone, the ones that were so important people physically needed to have them on their skin forever to remind them of that story, these ones were the reason why he decided to be a tattoo artist in the first place, despite his parents wanting him to become a lawyer. 

Observing people when they were explaining the story behind a tattoo was always something special. Oftentimes it was to celebrate love, or a birth of a baby that someone waited for for years. Other times it was to remember someone who passed away. These stories were always so full of pain, but at the same time the tattoo often helped people to move on, while never forgetting the person they had lost. Alec always paid attention to every detail, to give justice to the tattoo and to that person. There were times, the tattoo was meant as a way of celebration of someone staying sober for another month or maybe even another year. People finally getting a hold of their own destiny, making their lives meaningful again. The smiles on their faces were making his life that much brighter.

Alec shared his studio with three people, Clary Fray, Maia Roberts, and Steven Underhill. 

It took him some time to hit it off with Clary, she seemed almost chaotic to him when they first met. She was a step-daughter of his therapist, but really more like a daughter because he raised her since she was five years old. They met when he was visiting Luke a lot during his teenage years.  
Clary's style was completely different, not only when she was doing tattoos but also the way she lived her life. She was spontaneous, she was almost like a rebel. Something that didn’t really come easy to Alec. In the end, he was grateful to have met her. He started getting out of the house more often, and not only to work or to draw some sketches in the park. She was also a complete disaster gay so there was something they had in common from the start.

He and Maia found common language almost immediately. They both didn’t talk too much, but they understood each other very well. Maia would never take anyone’s bullshit, probably why Jace was scared of her at first. He probably still was. 

Alec knew he could always count on her. She and Clary were the ones who convinced him to go back to Luke when the bad break up made him struggle with his mental health even more.

And she was a hell of a tattoo artist too. People were coming even from LA to NY just so she could even consider working on their tattoo. 

And then there was Underhill, his best friend, his ride or die. The guy who would always be there for him, no matter what. The guy who would help him out when it would get too difficult to breathe. The guy who was ready to find his ex-boyfriend and beat him up, even when Steven was the least violent person he knew. He was also the first person Alec told he was gay to, despite being terrified of losing his best friend. Years of internalised homophobia made him believe that people would leave him as soon as they would find out. But Underhill never left, and he supported him through his journey. He even told Alec that his bravery gave him the courage to come out as well. They’ve been inseparable ever since. Together with Clary they made the disaster gays trio that Maia kept laughing about.

Izzy would often visit their studio, she loved tattoos and had a whole collection on her body, but Alec suspected she might love Maia even more. Not that she was ready to admit it just yet. He didn’t want to push her, he wanted her to figure this one out on her own. He had a feeling that it could be something special once they both realised how they felt. She was happy and that’s all that mattered to him. And if his sister and his favourite girl in the world ended up together? That would make him even happier.

* * *

Alec was sitting at his desk, doodling a design, as he would do every time he didn’t have a client. Clary and Maia were working with their clients in their own respective rooms, while Underhill went to get them all some coffee. It was a rainy afternoon, and they all needed something to stay awake.

The sound of rain was almost peaceful. The whole studio was almost completely quiet. The only noises were the noises of tattoo guns, and silenced conversations through the door.

He was working on the specific part of the design that for some reason didn’t look the way he wanted it. He heard a bell when the door opened, and the most beautiful guy Alec has ever seen in his entire life walked in. He might’ve been a bit dramatic here, but if he forgot to breathe for a moment, nobody could blame him. He was only human. The guy was truly stunning. Alec wasn't sure if the guy was even human, maybe an angel walked right into his studio. 

He walked to Alec’s desk with the type of confidence that was making Alec weak in his knees. Good thing he was sitting. That would've been embarrassing. 

The guy was tall, God he was so tall. He was so broad, his arms were huge and Alec had this need to run his fingers against his skin and… _Get it together, Lightwood_. 

He was Asian, and the expanse of his golden skin was showing when he opened his jacket and revealed a cobalt blue shirt with three buttons left open. His eyes were brown, almost staring into Alec’s soul, and he was ready to tell this man all his secrets, and Alec never wanted to do that to anyone. The eyeliner around his eyes made them look even deeper, a bit mysterious maybe. Needless to say, Alec was absolutely mesmerised. 

The man was stylish, every piece of clothing clearly carefully picked out. Alec liked his own style, but it was more classic and usually in very dark colours. The man in front of him knew how to combine modern with classic and with something from another era. Izzy would love him. 

So yeah, he has never seen someone so beautiful in his entire life. He was fucked.

He coughed, trying to pull himself together, and bringing the man’s attention to himself in the process.

“Hi, how can I help you?” he managed to ask.

The man stood in front of Alec’s desk and opened his leather bag. “Hi, I’m Magnus. I was thinking of maybe getting these tattoed?” he said and put a bunch of photos on Alec’s desk.

Alec took them carefully into his hands. There were quite a lot of them, and all of them of tulips. Some of them showed whole fields, full of colourful flowers. Others showed single tulips, facing the sun. Alec was definitely impressed with these. He might’ve not know that much about photography, but even he could see how much thought was put into taking these photos. The light hitting the petals of the tulips under the perfect angle, making you want to look at them for hours, almost feeling like you were in that field of flowers.

“Nice photos,” he commented after a minute. “Are they yours?”

The guy smiled brightly and nodded. “They are, and thank you.”

Alec smiled back and looked at the photos once again. He could already see potential for a great tattoo out of them. He could see the lines slowly forming inside of his brain, and his fingers itched to grab a pencil and start sketching. He absolutely felt inspired.  
Flowers were fun to draw, and they often meant different things to different people. Alec couldn’t wait to hear the story behind those tulips. He might have kind of hoped it wouldn’t be about love. Sue him.

“So, do you have any ideas what you want this to look like? It’s your tattoo, and I don’t want to overstep.” He put the photos back on the desk and looked at Magnus.

“I’m good at taking pictures, but I’ve always sucked at drawing. I’m all yours,” he said with a smirk. Perhaps Alec blushed. A lot. “I want the tattoo to be big. And I want it on my ribs. Other than that, I’m very open-minded.”

“Is that your first tattoo?” Alec asked, he had to.

Magnus shifted on his feet. “Yeah.”

 _Oh. He’s one of those_. Of course, when Alec might be interested in someone he got a complete noob who had no idea how tattoos work or how much it actually hurts to get one. It was like people completely didn’t understand that it was a needle poking their skin again and again, for hours. Of course it hurt. Especially in a place where the skin was thin, and there were bones underneath. Amazing. If he got a penny for every time he had to explain to someone how this wouldn't work out well, he could probably open another studio. 

“You do realise ribs hurt a lot, right? And you want it big?” he couldn’t hide the disappointment in his voice. He shook his head, he would often get those clients that wanted ribs tattoos and they would scream from pain and that just made it so much worse for both Alec and the client. They were tense, and doing tattoos on skin like that was absolutely hopeless. It was a waste of everyone's time and money. He avoided ribs tattoos like fire, even with the clients who have been getting tattoos for some time. It really wasn’t his thing.

Magnus picked his photos up, a smile on his face completely gone. And despite feeling annoyed, for some reason Alec wanted to see that smile again. “Forget it, it was a bad idea.”

Alec felt kind of bad, he didn’t want to sound harsh, and he definitely didn’t want Magnus to feel like he didn’t take him seriously because he absolutely did. But he’s been in this business for far too long, and he knew people. This was just a really bad idea.

Magnus turned around and started walking towards the exit. The confidence that was there at the beginning was nowhere to be found. He was holding his bag tight to his body, as if he tried to protect his photos from Alec subconsciously, as if they were his most prized possession. 

He stopped before he opened the door, though. He turned around again and looked at Alec with those beautiful brown eyes, but now Alec couldn’t see anything friendly in them.

“I don’t care about the pain. Pain doesn’t bother me. I came to you because I thought we could work on something that matters to me. Clearly you’re not the only one who’s let down.” And then he left.

It took Alec a good minute for words to truly register in his brain. He didn’t really expect to be that bothered about what happened. He’s been yelled at many times when he refused a tattoo, but the way Magnus spoke to him, he didn’t shout, it wasn’t anger. It was pure disappointment, and that shook him to his core. It probably shouldn’t matter to him, but Alec never dealt well with being a disappointment to others. He always tried to please everyone, even if it was at the cost of his own happiness. 

Alec couldn’t really explain it. He had no idea why he ran after Magnus. Maybe it was because of what he saw in his eyes when he was leaving his studio. And he wanted to apologise, to somehow make it better.

His whole childhood he tried to impress people, show them that he wasn’t a fuck up, that he was good at what he was doing, that he wasn’t a waste of time and space. So perhaps that was the reason why he ran into the cold rain in order to find someone he knew nothing about. But it felt wrong to leave it like that. He shouldn’t have said the things he said, even if he was right.

The rain was quite heavy, and in a second he was completely soaked. In the heat of the moment when he decided to run after Magnus, he didn’t think to put his jacket on. It was October and he had a feeling it really was a horrible decision.

Droplets of water on his eyelashes were making it so much more difficult to find the guy. He wasn’t even sure which way Magnus went. He looked around frantically, trying to find one man in a crowd of people walking through the streets of New York. Always busy, always in a hurry. 

First he noticed a big green umbrella, and then he noticed Magnus underneath it, walking towards a car. Alec sped up to catch up with him.

“Magnus! Wait!” he yelled, and the man stopped. 

Even though his face was mostly hidden under the umbrella, Alec could see a hint of shock on his face. As if he hadn’t expected to see Alec again. And to be fair, Alec still had no idea why he was there. What was he supposed to say?

“What do you want?” Magnus crossed his arms as much as he could with an umbrella in his right hand. 

“I’m sorry, okay? I shouldn’t have talked to you that way.” He was trying to catch his breath, but the harsh wind was filling his lungs and they felt like they were on fire.

Alec knew he could be an asshole sometimes, he wasn’t doing that on purpose. Sometimes he said things out loud before even considering how that might make people feel. It was hard to read people sometimes. When was it okay to be honest? Or when should you just lie and be nice? He had no answer to either of these questions.

And he always thought saying the truth was what everyone should do, however Izzy often complained how he didn’t have a filter, and how he should probably think of people’s feelings before saying exactly what he was thinking. She was probably right, she usually was.

“No, you shouldn’t have,” was all that Magnus said, but his body relaxed a little bit, his arms weren’t crossed anymore. Instead he put one of his hands in the pocket of his jeans. Alec thought that was still a success.

He definitely didn’t think through this whole running off after a potential client, who also happened to be the most beautiful guy ever. He was cold, his lungs still felt as if they were burning inside, the cold rain was hitting his skin and making him shiver. He wiped his eyes to see Magnus more clearly, just for the rain to hit him again a second later and his vision was blurry once more.

Magnus looked conflicted, like he was almost ready to ask him to stand under his umbrella, but also deciding if he should just leave him there in the rain or maybe just go to his car without another word. Alec wasn’t prepared for a close contact so he settled for Magnus just waiting for him to speak again.

“Can we- can we go back to the studio and finish our conversation?” he asked. “Please?” he added when he noticed the hesitation on Magnus’ face.

Magnus nodded and walked at a safe distance from Alec. They walked in silence and it felt incredibly awkward, nothing near their first interaction when Magnus showed up in the studio to show him his photos. Alec had no idea what to say, how did he even find himself in this mess? This could only happen to him. What if he was cursed?

Alec opened the door for Magnus and directed him into the room where he was tattooing people. Magnus looked so out of place suddenly, and even though Alec knew nothing about him, it didn’t feel like Magnus at all. He seemed like a person who was always in the centre of attention, always like he belonged, no matter where he was. Alec wanted to know if he was right. He just wanted to know more about Magnus.

“Please, sit down,” Alec finally said and shivered again.

“You should probably change,” Magnus said in a flat tone. But then he smirked. “Not that I don’t enjoy staring at those abs under your wet t-shirt, but you’re gonna be sick, and I don’t want to have that on my conscience.” Alec forgot how to breathe yet again. He was afraid that by the time this conversation ended, he would’ve collapsed.

He wasn’t prepared for Magnus flirting with him, not after how he had treated him. He sent so many mixed signals towards Alec, and it was confusing. Though he did realise some of it was his own fault. Maybe if he had stayed quiet for once, they would've had a completely different conversation. He certainly wouldn't have been wearing a soaked t-shirt.

“I’ll be back in a second.”

He went to the common room, where he kept his gym bag in a locker. He would always go to the gym before heading to work. It was relaxing and giving him energy for long sessions of tattooing. It also helped him think, deal with certain emotions and issues that normally were becoming too overwhelming.

So he always carried an extra t-shirt in his bag. Not only to use it after the gym, but also having destroyed way too many clothes with ink prepared him for carrying extra clothes. For many it wouldn’t really matter, for Alec it was about feeling comfortable while he worked.

“Why are you wet?” Underhill asked, sitting at the table in common room, a coffee in his hand.

Alec was in so much hurry he hasn’t even noticed him. He was startled, to say the least . “What?”

Underhill laughed. “I’m just kidding, I saw you running after the hot dude.” He sipped his coffee slowly, just so Alec could notice he was having way too much fun right now. Just when he was about to seriously freak out.

He really hated his best friend sometimes.

“He’s a client,” he huffed, and opened his locker at the same time. “Not even that.” He found a new t-shirt in a bag that was lying at the bottom.

Underhill took another sip of his coffee and nodded his head, a smirk on his lips. If Alec had a minute, he would probably say something about that. He really needed to go back to Magnus, though. And not to deal with his best friend whose favourite activity was teasing him. Not that he would let that go, Alec loved revenge that was served cold.

His wet t-shirt was completely stuck to his skin, and he shivered yet again. He would be extremely lucky if he didn't end up getting sick. 

He took it off and dried himself as fast as he could before putting a fresh one on. He felt so much pressure not to make Magnus wait any longer than necessary, he’s already been an ass to him. But when he tried to put the t-shirt on so fast, he got stuck. _Perfect_. Could this day go any worse than that? Clearly the universe hated him.

“You need some help in there, bud?” Underhill tried really hard not to laugh at him. But a second later he was there to help Alec out so he appreciated it nevertheless. “Go get ‘em, tiger,” he said and patted Alec on the shoulder.

“Shut up.”

He ran to the room where Magnus was, slowing down just a little bit before going in to calm down his breathing. Magnus didn’t need to know he ran after him. Again.

He walked in and noticed Magnus staring at the wall that was full of his projects and sketches, some drawings that he made when he had a little bit of spare time. Sometimes people were coming to their studio determined to have a tattoo, not really sure what design they’d like to have. These came in handy then. Other than that, he liked to show people what his style was and what they could expect from him.

There were also many photos of the tattoos he did in the past. He only put there the ones he was the most proud of. He was a perfectionist after all.

Magnus was so focused, almost as if he analysed every line that Alec drew making him feel a little bit self-conscious about those projects, even though he knew he loved them. He wouldn’t have put them on the wall otherwise. But right there and then, all he wanted was for Magnus to approve of his work.

And Magnus looked so beautiful, his jawline even sharper now that he was looking up at the drawings and photos. Alec couldn’t help but stare. He really was hopeless, wasn’t he?

“You have a great style,” Magnus said and turned around, a small smile on his lips when he noticed that Alec was observing him. 

“Thank you,” Alec replied sheepishly. 

The silence between them was killing Alec, he still didn’t know what to say, how to fix this situation. But for some inexplicable reason he really wanted Magnus to stay, maybe show him his beautiful photos again, maybe they could go back to before he said those awful things.

“Look, I’m sorry,” he said and rubbed the back of his neck.

“Yes, you said that,” Magnus smiled. Alec missed that smile. And it was only minutes. He felt pathetic. “And apology accepted.”

 _Oh thank God_. 

“So, maybe we can go back to our conversation from before I was being as ass?”

Magnus studied his face for a second, and Alec could feel his hands getting sweaty. He could almost hear the fast beating of his heart. He fidgeted with the hem of his t-shirt, he needed to do something with his hands. He couldn’t look Magnus in the eyes, his piercing gaze was just too much to handle right now.

“I don’t think so, no,” Magnus finally answered.

Alec looked up immediately, his jaw dropped, he didn’t really expect that. Not that he really expected Magnus to be completely okay with what he said, either. “Why’d you come back here then?”

“I wanted to see you again,” he stated simply.

Alec was getting more and more confused. “Why?”

“Why’d you run after me?”

Alec opened his mouth to say something, anything really. But there was no good answer here. “I’m not sure.” 

Because he really wasn't. Even though so much has happened in that short period of time, that question was constantly on his mind. He didn’t know the reason, all he knew was that he just wanted Magnus to know how sorry he was. All he knew was that he didn't want Magnus to think he was a horrible person.

Reading Magnus’ face was the biggest challenge he faced in a long time, not that reading people or social cues were something that he was ever good at. Everything seemed so unnecessarily complicated, as if people couldn’t go straight to the point and say what they meant from the start. Life would be so much easier then. At least it would be for him. Apparently tajority of people preferred doing things the hard way.

“Would you- maybe you could look at our other artists’ work?” he stuttered. “They are truly amazing,” he rubbed the back of his neck yet again.

Magnus was making him nervous, but not exactly in an uncomfortable way. Just in a way that made him intriguing, and Alec just wanted him to stay, and maybe keep talking with him for just another minute or two. Even if he didn’t want him to do his tattoo anymore, he could live with that, it really was his own fault. But now he could tell how important this tattoo was to Magnus, and just knowing that someone could do it for him would be good enough.

“No, thank you,” Magnus replied with a smile and then turned around to leave the studio.

Before he did, though, Alec managed to say something. “Can I ask why?”

Magnus stopped and turned slowly to look at Alec once again. His gaze felt like it was uncovering layers upon layers that Alec created to protect himself from the outside world, but also to protect himself from feelings. They rarely brought him anything good.

“I came to you for a reason,” Magnus replied. “You are known for doing incredible work on scars. And while I’m sure the rest of the artists here are amazing, they don’t do tattoos on scars. Simple as that,” he added, leaving Alec completely speechless.

He shouldn’t have assumed. Of course there was something deeper behind it. Inexperienced people who wanted ribs tattoos didn’t act as calmly and confident as Magnus did. They didn't seem so determined. They seemed crazier, as if they made their decision five minutes ago, and believed this was the best idea in their entire life and everyone should agree. They weren’t prepared, only demanding.

That wasn’t Magnus, though. He came with an idea, he came with his photos that clearly meant a lot to him. Now it was so obvious that there was a story behind it. There was always a story behind tattoos on scars. Just when he thought he couldn't feel worse about this situation, he suddenly realised just how wrong he was.

He just assumed. And he wanted to apologise again, maybe find a way to go back in time and smack himself on the head. He wasn’t sure what else he could do at this point.

“It was nice to meet you, Alexander.” Magnus brought him back from the train of his thoughts. “Hope to see you around.” He fixed a scarf around his neck, took his umbrella that was leaning against a chair, and left.

Alec managed to mumble his goodbyes before the door closed after Magnus.

He sat down on the chair, put a head in his hands, and breathed deeply. This experience was truly something else. Magnus was something else. He barely knew him and yet he wanted to know everything. He wanted to know the story of tulips, he wanted to be better to gain Magnus’ trust and maybe, just maybe, hear this story.

For now he didn’t feel like he deserved it.

Perhaps one day he would meet Magnus again.


	2. chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, here i come with chapter 2 that focuses mainly on magnus' mental state. you can find pieces of his story that will be revealed slowly in the upcoming chapters.  
> sebastian is being mentioned as part of magnus' story, and i'm pretty sure it's very clear in this chapter, but unless someone has any doubts, there were NO romantic feelings between them. everything will be explained throughout the whole story, i promise :) 
> 
> let me know what you think of this chapter, i love seeing your comments and your kudos give me even more motivation to keep writing <3 
> 
> you can find me on tumblr [@harryshmjr](http://harryshmjr.tumblr.com) or on twitter [@harryshmjr_](https://twitter.com/harryshmjr_)

It has been two weeks since he had a proper nightmare. It has been two weeks since he woke up screaming in the middle of the night and Catarina had to run to him to calm him down. The comforter or blanket would often wrap around him because he was moving frantically and it would feel like they were suffocating him. He was finally getting peaceful eight hours of uninterrupted sleep. He was afraid the other shoe would drop soon enough, because the nightmares were always coming back at some point. It never lasted too long. But for now, he would take what he could get.

He felt bad for waking Catarina up with his nightmares, but she insisted she should move in with him for a while until he got better. It’s been two years, and they were still living together in his loft in Brooklyn. Luke suggested they should try living on their own so Magnus could slowly adjust to regular life, but they got used to living together. It made sense to rent only one flat, and they weren’t alone at night. It felt safer that way, less lonely. 

At least the nightmares weren’t as often anymore, however when they happened, sometimes he struggled a lot with calming down on his own. He tried, he really did, but the memories of what had happened two years ago seemed to never stop haunting him, they were always with him, always reminding him of the painful past. The thoughts that he should’ve done something to stop this didn’t want to leave him. So here he was, trying to get his life together one step a time. With Catarina by his side it was so much easier, but sometimes the guilt of making her live with him and take care of him was too heavy on his chest.

Catarina was joking that he was lucky to have a nurse as his friend, but he knew he could count on her no matter what. She and Raphael were the only ones who could understood his situation, and they didn’t abandon him. He realised, though, that Luke was right. And soon enough they would have to have that conversation. Perhaps not yet.

While Magus definitely felt much better than when he had come back to New York, he still wasn’t truly himself. He got distant, wasn’t going out as much as he used to. And he did love the nightlife so much before _it_ happened, before his life changed forever and left him with nothing but emptiness and self-hatred inside. 

He didn’t want to show people how he truly felt inside, so he would pretend to be his old confident self. He missed that version of himself, but he wasn’t sure if he would ever manage to go back to that state. But pretending? It was exhausting. It was easier to stay away from people.

But life was slowly getting better, or at least that’s what he hoped for. He could never forget, but maybe he could finally find a way to live his life. He definitely tried really hard.

For two weeks now, every day he would wake up and he couldn’t remember anything about his dreams, nothing except for those beautiful hazel eyes that for some reason were bringing him some peace and quiet. The warmth inside of them almost let him believe that he was safe. And the eyes were looking at him, like they were trying to help him out, make sure that he was okay. He appreciated the sentiment, and it definitely felt nice to get some sleep and not wake up Cat in the process. Not that it really meant much, that’s not how life worked.

He pushed back his comforter, and sighed loudly. He unplugged his phone from a charger, and checked his messages and notifications. He still kept getting emails from Pandemonium, a reminder of good old days when he would go clubbing at least twice a month with a group of friends. He would dance, and drink, and meet new people, having the time of his life. Sometimes he would have more fun than normally, these were always interesting memories. But it wasn’t his place anymore, he didn’t _belong_ there anymore, he hadn’t been there in over three years now.

He found emails from potential clients, asking him to take photoshoots for them. Some of them sounded very intriguing, he always enjoyed unconventional ideas. Magazines were still inviting him to photoshoots, they used to bring good money, but he wasn’t interested in that anymore. When he was declining, they were asking for his photos from before he decided to try something else, but what was the point of reusing his old photos? When he left the peaceful world of his own very successful gallery to do something more meaningful, little did he know it would leave him a shadow of his own self.

He took a quick shower, allowing the hot water hit his skin, relaxing the muscles that were sore. He visited the gym almost every day these days. He started going there to do something with the free time, and to go back into shape, but it quickly turned out to be the only place where he could focus on physical action, instead of the thoughts that were invading his mind in the most random moments, paralysing him. Sometimes he would spend hours there, just to forget about the emotional pain for a little while longer. At least he knew easy ways of dealing with physical pain.

He put on his bathrobe and went to the kitchen to get a much needed cup of coffee. Despite sleeping eight hours, he never felt truly rested, always ready to take a nap any minute. Luke explained it to him that it sometimes happened to people who struggled with depression. Yet another thing that made it difficult to get a hold of his life. So Magnus was determined not to stay in bed the whole day, he didn’t want the illness to take over his life any more than it already had.

Catarina was in the kitchen, just finishing her breakfast. She was wearing her uniform, ready to get to work. She seemed to be in a hurry. She loved sleeping, which often ended with her waking up in the very last moment and then running through the whole apartment looking for her things.

“Morning, Magnus,” she said, her warm smile making his day already much better, “did you sleep well?”

He smiled back and sat down. “Morning, my dear. And yes, it was a good night, thank you.”

She put a mug of steamy coffee in front of him. The hot beverage filled his body with pleasant warmth, and he sighed contently. “Did you sleep okay?” he finally asked.

“I did, and I’m so full of energy today, I'm definitely gonna need it. I'm working with Doctor I-know-better-than-you today,” she said and put her phone into her bag. “Speaking of, have you thought about your job?” The question was careful, like she was walking on eggshells. Despite the fact she had to run to work, she always tried to take few minutes to ask about his well-being. What did he do to deserve her in his life? He had no idea.

And he understood why she was being so careful, he would often shut down when she was asking about his job or more... lack thereof. He didn’t like talking about it. He wasn’t ready. It was still reminding him of the last time and place where he took photos. He knew he would go back to it at some point, he just needed an idea that would let him enjoy this again.

“I’m still comfortable, I don’t have to worry about money,” he replied instead.

“You know that’s not what I meant.” She looked at him worried. “Of course you don’t have to worry about money, you probably will never have to worry about it. That’s not the point.”

He sighed. Going back to work would mean another step to have a normal, regular life back. And taking photos was always something that he loved, that brought him so much joy in his life. Even when he was a kid, and all he owned was the camera he convinced his mother to buy for him in a pawnshop. 

He cherished it, took pictures of everything he found mesmerizing. People, trees, flowers, buildings, animals. He could find beauty in everything he encountered. At first he wasn’t very good at it, but he worked on it, every penny he got was put safely in his piggy bank so he could buy a better camera, once he gained more skills. He went to photography classes in a local community centre, worked his ass off through high school so he could receive a scholarship and go to university. All of the hard work he put into this, just so he could finally be called a professional photographer. Something that he dreamt of ever since he was a child.

His mother got sick during his last year of university. He was ready to go back home and take care of her, but she promised to fight her illness just so she could watch him graduate and get his degree on the stage. She was so proud of him. He never saw her smile so brightly, telling everyone around her that he was her son. He loved seeing her like this, reminded him of old amazing memories they shared while living in the small apartment in Bronx.

She passed away a week after that, leaving a hole in his heart that was never filled again. He missed her every day, but she never fully left him. When life was getting too much, he could almost hear her say _“Don’t give up, my sweet son, life can be beautiful.”_ He carried her words with him, fought his way through life to make her proud.

“Don’t forget to take your meds!” Catarina yelled on her way out of the kitchen.

“Have a nice shift!” he yelled back before the door closed.

It was almost like their routine. They would drink coffee together in the morning,they’d do some small talk, she’d remind him of his meds before leaving to work. He didn’t need a reminder, but he loved her for thinking of him anyway. She was his best friend, he was lucky to have her.

Once every two weeks he would go to a therapy with Luke. When Magnus came back to New York, he wouldn’t leave bed, he didn’t feel like he deserved to live. Not after everything, he fucked up, and the consequences were catastrophic. Yet as a cosmic joke, the universe decided that he should've lived. Maybe as the punishment. Or at least that's what he kept thinking for the first half a year.

Catarina brought him to their flat one day, Luke was working at her hospital at the time. She was worried Magnus would do something to himself. At that point he didn’t feel much, except for that self-hatred deep inside of his heart, but he still loved Catarina, that could never change, and she had lost so much too. He couldn’t let her down, so he started working with Luke. 

Slowly Magnus was starting to live his life. The meds and talking to Luke helped him tremendously. He still had a long road ahead, but their meetings were reduced to two times a month as a sign of how much progress Magnus had done in two years. He started doing this for Catarina, and not to disappoint his mother, but now he was finally doing it for himself.

These days Luke was running his own private practice in a fancy building in Manhattan. He had his office on the 15th floor in one of the skyscrapers. It was definitely very impressive, showing how good at his job he was. Magnus liked to believe that despite having a purely professional relationship, they were some kind of friends, and he was happy for Luke becoming more successful.

Magnus arrived ten minutes before his appointment and was sitting on the sofa in the waiting area. Soothing music was filling the room, a delicate aroma of flowers that he could not recognise was hitting his nose, he loved sitting there. Luke’s secretary offered him a cup of tea that he was currently sipping.

He was scrolling through his phone, catching up on the latest news, trying to avoid more disturbing ones, when he almost missed the door to Luke’s office open. And a tall guy in a leather jacket walked out. Except-

“Alec?” he asked surprised and stood up.

The man looked up immediately, as if he recognised Magnus’ voice without a single beat. And Magnus’ heart started beating more quickly for some reason, his breathing faster than normally.

Alec smiled at him, but he looked just as surprised as Magnus felt. Out of all places in New York, he definitely didn’t expect to meet his would-be-tattooist in a waiting area of his therapist. He supposed Alec didn’t expect to meet him here either.

He knew that Luke and Alec knew each other, after all Luke recommended him as the tattoo artist. They came up with the plan, Clary told them about the best guy for the job. Or so they originally thought. That didn’t work out very well in the end, though. It was a shame.

“Magnus, hi,” he said, while fixing the collar of his jacket. “You- I didn’t know you were seeing Luke as well.”

Oh. Okay. Right. Of course that’s why Alec was here. Why else would he be in Luke’s office? He worked with Luke’s stepdaughter, but that’s not a reason to come visit him at his work place. Luke must have been helping him deal with his own issues. He felt a spark of interest. Not to know about Alec’s problems, but to know him better in general. There was just something about Alec that made Magnus… want. He had this sudden urge to know things that made Alec who he was as a person, not only a tattoo artist who was kind of rude, but also not a complete jackass because he knew when to apologise for his behaviour.

Now Magnus felt kind of bad about their first encounter two weeks ago. He wasn’t the only one struggling, sometimes people couldn’t control how they reacted. It mattered what they decided to do later, when their head was clear.

“Well,” he shifted on his feet and collected his bag, “we didn’t really have a chance to talk last time.”

Alec laughed nervously, and took a hesitant step towards Magnus. He wasn’t sure where this was going, and he was pretty sure he was going to be late for his appointment with Luke. However, for some reason he wanted to see what Alec wanted to say. He was curious, that’s clearly all it was.

He seemed conflicted, as if he wanted to ask something, but too scared to spit the actual words out. Magnus wanted to help him, but he also wanted to just leave. The situation was confusing him, too many feelings running through his body, he wasn't used to feeling like this anymore, and not understanding what was so special about Alec was driving him crazy. On one hand he wanted to talk with Alec for hours, on the other hand he wanted to run away.

His first impression of Alec wasn’t the best, then again these days he rarely talked to strangers. He could never trust them, not again. But Alec surprised him when he ran after him in the middle of the heavy rain, wearing nothing more but a thin t-shirt. He was shivering when he was apologising, and Magnus could tell that he was being sincere. He felt bad about everything he had said to Magnus, about hurting him. He didn’t have to do that, Alec didn’t owe him anything, he clearly wasn’t informed that Magnus would be visiting him. But he did it anyway.

“I was thinking,” Alec finally spoke up, but before he finished the sentence, he sneezed. There was a tissue in his hand immediately, wiping his nose. His cheeks were a little flushed, but Magnus wasn’t sure if it was because of possible fever or embarrassment. It was quite adorable to see Alec like this. 

“I’m guessing running after me was a bad idea after all?” Magnus chuckled.

Alec laughed. “Definitely not," Magnus stopped breathing, "and it’s okay. I’m better now.”

He walked towards Magnus, stopping at a safe distance. And Magnus definitely wasn’t disappointed because of that.

“So I was wondering, would you like to meet up for a coffee or something?” He rubbed his neck, expecting a reply from Magnus. “Maybe we could get to know each other better?” he said at a speed of light, without looking into Magnus’ eyes. It was cute.

But wait, did Alec just ask him out? Clearly that couldn’t be the case. Last time they saw each other he was being disappointed in Magnus for his ideas for the tattoo. Where did that change come from? No, no, no. 

“It’s a nice offer,” he said awkwardly, “but I’m not sure it’s a good idea,” he added.

Alec’s smile dropped completely, and a sting of guilt hit Magnus. It was better that way, though. He was saving time for both of them. Alec probably asked only because he still felt bad, Magnus didn’t need that. He forgave him, he said that, there was no need to feel bad anymore.

“Okay.” He could tell Alec was upset about being rejected. But seeing someone, even if it wasn’t anything serious, he didn’t feel ready for this. Maybe if he was in a better place mentally, but he wasn’t. Who knows if he ever would be. 

Alec was handsome, Magnus wasn’t blind. When Alec looked up from his desk, Magnus forgot how to speak English. He had those big beautiful hazel eyes, and his hair was stylishly messy. The stubble on his face made Magnus’ brain go into places it hadn’t gone for a long while. Alec was tall and muscular, his skin was covered in black tattoos that Magnus would love to hear about. He was hot and he knew it, but he wasn’t arrogant about it. Magnus hated the guys who thought they were everyone’s dream and that it gave them the right to act like assholes. 

But Magnus just couldn’t make up his mind who he was as a person. Trusting people was something he struggled with a lot for the last two years. Luke and Clary were the only new people he actually stayed in touch with. He didn’t really have a choice with Luke at first, though, _and_ it was a professional relationship. Clary just kind of walked into his life and made it brighter. She became a good friend, although there were moments when he was still afraid what could happen.

“I hope you’ll have a nice day, Magnus,” Alec said and left before Magnus could say anything else.

Still shocked, he went into Luke’s office through the open door. Luke was sitting in his usual armchair, staring at him expectantly. At first Magnus thought he was waiting for apologies for being late, but that didn’t change his facial expression. Magnus wasn’t sure what he wanted to hear so he decided to simply sit down in front of him, waiting for some kind of explanation. That didn’t come, though.

“How are you feeling, Magnus?”

He dreaded that question. He trained himself to reply with ‘fine’ whenever someone asked him that, no matter how he actually felt inside. It was easier to say one word, instead of trying to explain his situation and feelings. Quite often he didn’t understand them, so how could he expect someone else to figure it out? So ‘fine’ was the easiest choice. It worked out quite well with random people, but Luke always expected a truthful answer. 

Today, though, Magnus wasn’t sure how to even start.

They talked about the nightmares, it was one of the things they covered during every meeting. Luke was pleased that they were less and less frequent. He considered it as Magnus making more progress, even when Magnus tried to convince Luke and himself that it was only temporary, his brain probably thinking about something else at the moment. He didn’t really want to say it might have been someone.

“I heard you talking to Alec outside,” Luke said after a minute of complete silence. He changed the paper in his notepad and put it back on his lap. Luke preferred to write his notes in an old fashion way. Sometimes Magnus really wanted to read them, then again it was probably easier not to know, just focus on getting better.

“Right, yes,” Magnus added helpfully. “I didn’t really expect to meet him here.”

Luke only hummed quietly, sitting more comfortably in his armchair. “How’s your tattoo going then?”

Magnus snorted. He didn’t mean to, but the whole conversation was making him feel uneasy, and apparently that’s how his body decided to react. He didn’t want to talk about the tattoo, but Luke overhearing both of them talking definitely helped him out to break the subject. Maybe the universe really hated Magnus.

Two weeks ago Magnus promised he would go and at least have a conversation about his tattoo, no pressure, just to see if it was something he would actually want to consider. He thought about it, spent days trying to find the photos that could be transformed into a tattoo that would hide his scar, that would maybe let him finally move on. He still wasn’t completely convinced, but a talk wouldn’t hurt. Or so he thought. 

He avoided looking at that scar however he could. Unfortunately, there was a big mirror in his bathroom, so he always noticed it every single time he took a shower. He didn’t want to forget, but he didn’t need a constant reminder of what had happened that day. So when Luke suggested a tattoo, it seemed like an idea that was definitely worth looking into at least. Clary recommended Alec as one of the best tattoo artists who did tattoos on scars. She said he loved doing tattoos that meant something to people, carried a story. It was supposed to go well, even if he wasn’t sure he was ready to share that story with Alec.

“It’s not happening,” Magnus replied eventually.

Luke scribbled something in his notepad. “And may I ask why you changed your mind? You seemed like you were willing to do it last time we saw each other.”

Magnus took a long breath. He was playing with his ear cuff, a nervous tick that often helped him to calm his mind just a little bit.

“I went to the tattoo studio, but the tattoo artist turned out to be a dick.” Luke’s head raised, a concerned look on his face. He wasn’t writing anything at the moment. “But then he ran after me in the middle of rain and apologised profusely.” And then there was a hint of a smile on his face.

Luke chuckled. “Yeah, he does that sometimes. He’s a good person, Magnus.”

Magnus was quiet, not sure what to say to that. It wasn’t as if he didn’t believe it. Not many people would do what Alec did, not many people would admit they were wrong and shouldn’t have said what they said. But that didn’t mean he should forget about what had happened. Right? He should trust his instincts. That’s what his mother always used to say. But at the moment, his instincts were conflicted. On one side he wanted to trust Alec, he wanted to work on that tattoo, make something special and beautiful, and take the next step in getting better. On the other hand, the memory of the last time he trusted someone wouldn’t leave. Trusting people never ended well. 

“Magnus, you need to talk to me,” Luke sighed, “I know how hard it is for you to trust people, but not everyone is Sebastian. Not everyone is going to hurt you and use that trust.”

That name would always feel as if someone stabbed him in the back. That name would always hurt, but he didn’t want to give Sebastian any more control over his life. Even if he probably didn’t think about Magnus twice after the trial.

“Alec asked me out for a coffee,” Magnus whispered. “But I said no.” Luke wrote something in his notepad again, then looked and Magnus, expecting him to continue. “I just don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“Why do you think so?” Magnus was moving his ring between his fingers, trying to think of the reason why he said no. He didn’t exactly have much time to think about it. “Do you think maybe it’s because you’re afraid what could happen?”

He huffed. Of course he was scared. Alec was a stranger. Yes, he was Clary’s friend, Luke clearly knew him very well. But to Magnus, Alec was a complete stranger. He knew nothing about him, except for their very short interaction where half of it was only proof that he shouldn’t be doing it in the first place.

“Finding new friends, building that trust slowly, it would be extremely beneficial for you. I know you promised to yourself no more friends after Sebastian. But he was one bad person you met in your life. That’s not the whole world. Opening up is hard for all of us, but it’s worth it, because the people we meet make our lives better, we can make their lives better.”

Rationally speaking, Magnus knew how right Luke was. Practically speaking, his brain was fighting every word that he heard. Because no more new friends meant nobody could hurt him ever again. Nobody could use his trust and hurt people who were everything to him. 

“I don’t know him,” Magnus said. 

“And you won’t know him until you talk to him,” Luke said with a soft smile. “He reached out to you. Maybe you could give him a chance? It’s only a coffee. If your instincts tell you to back off, you can do it. If you don’t try, though, you’ll never know.”

Magnus opened his mouth to protest once again, but the ring of a bell announcing the end of their appointment interrupted him. He noticed a slight smirk on Luke’s face, as if he was glad Magnus didn’t get another chance to say no.

Maybe he should’ve said yes. Maybe he should’ve talked to Alec, get to know him a little more. Maybe he should take Luke’s advice, and go for that coffee. He was never someone who assumed things about others, but that changed, and he hated that. Maybe he could try, like Luke said. After all, it wasn’t even going to be anything big. Definitely not a date.

Why did he even think of a date? No, absolutely not. Just a meeting of two men who could maybe get on the right foot this time. Nothing else.

Even if that curly hair deserved to be touched and appreciated, even if that black tattoo on his neck should be touched so the shivers could run down his whole body, even if- No, _focus_.

It was just Magnus’ body talking, it’s been a while since he was with someone. But his brain clearly didn’t follow the same path as his body. Probably. Maybe.

* * *

It was a late evening when he was on his laptop, staring at the website of Alec’s tattoo studio. He looked through the gallery, appreciated the tattoos that Alec created, he also checked the tattoos of the rest of the people he worked with. All of them were incredibly talented, specialising in different techniques and styles. Magnus was finding the world of tattoos more and more fascinating.

But now it’s been probably an hour since he went to the contact page, the phone number already memorised from looking at it for so long. His cell in his hand, debating pros and cons of calling Alec, trying to figure out what it would mean if he suddenly just did that. Wouldn’t that be stalking? Alec didn’t give him his number, but that was also Magnus’ fault when he said no so quickly. And the number was available on the website, probably just his work number anyway. So that should’ve been okay, right?

“I can hear you thinking,” he heard the voice behind him that startled him and made him jump on the couch, he barely managed to catch his laptop from falling to the floor. Catarina must’ve come back from work, and he was so focused on freaking out, he didn’t even hear her walking in and taking off her heavy coat. His brain had simply more important things to care about than possibly getting robbed.

“Well, yes, I’ve been freaking out for the last hour, no biggie,” he huffed.

Catarina went straight to the kitchen, leaving him not only going crazy but also extremely confused. He waited for some sort of advice what to do with his current situation, and he was just left on his own. Rude.

She came back couple of minutes later, though. She sat down next to him, a beer bottle in one hand and a glass of orange juice in the other one. Okay, so maybe he really needed to chill down a little bit, he loved Catarina. 

He thanked her for the juice. Ever since he started taking his meds, he gave up on alcohol. Mixing the meds and alcohol was leaving him a complete mess, with no will to live. He stopped having any after one very bad episode.

“What’s happening?” she asked, a concern in her voice.

“Okay, no need to worry,” he calmed her down first. He might’ve been freaking out a little bit, but it wasn’t anything serious. He knew that. “Remember that tattoo guy that I went to see about my possible tattoo?”

She took a sip of her beer, putting her legs on Magnus’ thighs, pushing his laptop slightly away. He started massaging her feet. “What about him?” She sighed loudly, stretching over the whole couch. 

“Well, turned out Luke is also his therapist,” he blurted out, staring at her for any kind of reaction.

He told her the whole story of what had happened that day. She wasn’t very impressed with Alec, to say the least, she was usually quite overprotective of Magnus. But she seemed to have changed her mind when he finished the story with Alec’s apology.

Catarina raised her brow, a curious smile on her face. She definitely was up to something, he knew her too well. But at the same time he sometimes thought she knew him better than he knew himself so her opinion was always appreciated.

“He asked me out for a coffee.”

Catarina coughed, slightly choking on her beer. “Excuse me?” So maybe she did not expect that. At least he now knew that his initial surprise wasn’t something weird.

“I said no.”

She relaxed, but she still seemed puzzled. “What’s the issue then?”

Magnus worked harder on her heels, they often hurt a lot after a long shift on her feet, trying to help her patients to get better. It was also relaxing him, helping him collect his thoughts and talk about what he was currently feeling.

“I talked with Luke. He said it would be good for me if I gave him a chance. I need new friends or something,” he rolled his eyes.

She took another sip of her beer and hummed. “Luke is usually right about stuff like that. And you said he knows him, maybe it would be good for you. Raphael and I love you, but you need to start trusting other people too, you know that, right?”

He stood up suddenly. It all must’ve seemed so easy to everyone. Meet someone new, try to get to know them more, see where that could lead, what could go wrong? But Magnus knew how bad it could go if you trusted the wrong person. But at the same time, was is worth it missing the good people in his life? His friends were everything to him, they were his only family after his mother died. But he was limiting himself, trying to hide himself from the real world. He avoided his work, he avoided random encounters with people in the streets. He spent most of his free time in the gym, trying to avoid thinking about his issues. Maybe he’s done enough running away.

“I found his work number on the Internet,” he finally said.

“So? Go call him. The worst that can happen is that you won’t meet again,” she shrugged her shoulders.

He thought about it for another minute, trying to consider all the facts, but there was no way to predict how it would play out. “Okay,” he decided, “thank you, my dearest Catarina.”

She smiled at him, and took the TV remote into her hand, her favourite soap opera was about to start. She loved watching it after coming back home from work, it helped her to turn off her brain, and just enjoy something stupid yet entertaining.

Magnus took his phone and laptop, and went into his room. He dialed the memorised number and waited. After two beeps, he was ready to give up, clearly Alec was too busy to answer his phone. Perhaps the universe decided for him.

“Hello?” Magnus heard the voice in his phone, and almost dropped it.

“Hi,” he blurted. “It’s Magnus.”

There was silence on the line. Great, Alec must’ve thought he was some creep who stalked him and found his number on the Internet, and now he was trying to figure out what to do to get out of this conversation and-

“I’m so glad you called,” the warm voice was like honey for his soul. It was soothing and calming, helping him breathe properly. “What can I do for you?”

Magnus took a deep breath. “So I was wondering, what would you say about meeting for that coffee after all?”

Alec laughed gently. Magnus could see his wide smile, even if he only barely had a chance to experience it, he loved it. It was such a beautiful smile, no lie behind it, no ulterior motive. Or at least he hoped.

“I’d love to. When are you free?”


	3. chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow it's been a while, hasn't it? life got kind of hectic. but i'm still here, still writing the story as fast as i possibly can. so without further ado, here's chapter 3!
> 
> let me know what you think of this chapter, i love seeing your comments and your kudos give me even more motivation to keep writing <3
> 
> trigger warning for a panic attack
> 
> you can find me on tumblr [@harryshmjr](http://harryshmjr.tumblr.com) or on twitter [@harryshmjr_](https://twitter.com/harryshmjr_)

Alec enjoyed the routine. Some people would say it was boring, but for Alec it was having peace of mind, and he would take that any time over making his life wild. So he created a routine and tried to stick to it as best as he could every day. He would wake up at 7am, take a shower, drink coffee, eat light breakfast, then go to gym. Then work, sketch new designs or just for fun, read a book, meet with friends or family, sleep. It allowed him to get a hold of his life, when things were getting out of control way too fast. But he didn’t think of himself as a boring type, he enjoyed having a good time. As long as it wasn’t too overwhelming and out of control.

Sketching and reading were his safe haven, he could focus on his drawings or fictional worlds, forgetting about current issues that he was facing for just a second. It’s what got him through the whole high school when he was afraid of the consequences of coming out. It’s what got him through his parents’ divorce and the mess that followed. He relied heavily on his art and other people’s art. If he could pretend to be part of a fictional even for a short while, he would choose that option.

And when things were particularly hard, he always had therapy. Recently Luke told him they could change their schedule and start seeing each other only twice a month, unless Alec felt like he needed to see him more often. So far there was no need, and he felt proud of it. It felt like he was making progress, as slow as it might have seemed, he still noticed it. 

Today was different, though. It wasn’t an ordinary day. To say that Alec was stressed out would be a huge understatement.

He spent the whole night moving in his bed from one side to the other. He felt so cold that he tried burying himself under his covers, just to be extremely hot 5 minutes later, and then forced to open a window in freaking November. He wasn’t sure if it was just nerves or maybe something much simpler, but all in all it was 6 am when he finally decided there was no point in pretending he would get any sleep today.

He wasn’t really sure why he was so nervous, almost on the verge of having a panic attack. It was only meant to be a simple meeting. Get some coffee, have a conversation, see where it goes. But that’s not all it was, was it? Magnus was under his skin. Alec couldn’t really explain it, he didn’t know the guy, their start certainly didn’t belong in the category of great first meetings. But when Magnus initially refused to go for that coffee with him, Alec couldn’t pretend he wasn’t hurt. He wanted to make things better, he wanted to get to know Magnus better. It’s been a long time since he wanted to make a good impression on anyone.

It wasn’t necessarily a bad feeling, but it was scary. It was scary because he didn’t know where this was leading him. He promised himself to never trust anyone again. Too many people betrayed that trust, too many people left him when they were so important to him, and no matter how many therapy sessions he had with Luke, nothing could change his mind. 

Or so he thought. Because when Magnus showed up in his studio on that rainy day, something changed.

He wasn’t ready to trust him, not yet. His rational brain battled his heart. On one hand, he would never break his promise he made a long time ago, on the other hand he wished he could trust Magnus, become friends. He wouldn’t dare go any further.

Was this a mistake? Maybe he learnt nothing, maybe this would blow up in his face just like it always did. Maybe he should’ve let it go. How many times can he put himself out there just for people to destroy him to pieces?

Alec was drinking his fourth coffee on his way to Luke. It wasn’t their scheduled session, but he was faced with a choice of either asking Luke to see him or probably having that panic attack that was threatening him, and cancelling his coffee with Magnus in the afternoon. He had a feeling if he cancelled, Magnus would never agree to any other meeting ever again. Not that he would blame him. 

Alec knew that if he wanted Magnus to become part of his life _(God, how did he get to that point already?)_ , then he needed to make some effort. Being reliable was the first step.

* * *

Alec sat down in front of Luke, his hands were shaking a little bit. He wasn’t sure if it was because of consuming too much caffeine or maybe because of the panic attack that was getting closer and closer. Either way, it wasn’t good. He felt horrible. His body was slowly shutting down, and he barely covered his face before yawning.

“Do you need Ollie to bring you a coffee?” Luke asked, a worry could be sensed in his voice.

“No, thank you, I already had four,” he replied.

Luke sighed loudly, and wrote something in his notebook. Alec got more nervous.

He closed his eyes, took a long breath and counted from ten in his mind, trying to calm himself down. Everything was okay. He kept repeating it in his head like a mantra.

“Are you all right?” Luke asked when Alec opened his eyes. “What happened?”

He took a minute to collect his thoughts before replying. “I took you advice.” Luke raised his eyebrow and sat more comfortably in his big armchair, waiting for him to continue. “I asked Magnus if he wanted to go for a coffee with me.”

“So what is the issue?”

“ _I can’t do this_ ,” Alec said at a speed of light. His hands were shaking again. Or maybe they never really stopped. “I never should’ve asked, I need to cancel. Why did I even ask him in the first place? This was so fucking stupid.”

Luke stayed calmed, allowed Alec’s breathing to go back to normal. Alec looked at him expectantly now, waiting for any kind of reaction to his outburst. He didn’t have that many anymore. But he also needed to hear someone else’s thoughts on this whole situation. His brain would often go in one direction, and it was difficult for him to see the other side of events.

“Why do you think it was stupid?”

“Because it was! I know better than that. People always leave, what’s the point in trying?”

Luke put his notepad on the coffee table next to his armchair, and moved a little so he could be closer to Alec. “We’ve worked on this, part of your recovery is giving people a chance.”

“But-” He lowered his head. “what if he leaves? I can’t-“

“We can’t predict people’s reactions and their behaviour, especially with people who are complete strangers to us.”

Alec always liked Luke’s voice. It was calming, yet full of authority. He was amazing at his job, and even when Alec didn’t agree with him on certain things, he knew he could trust him. When Luke became his therapist, his life finally started to change, he started making progress and fixing his fucked up life.

Alec looked at him. “He’s no stranger to you.”

Luke took his notepad into his hand again. “No, he is not. But he is to you. Your relationship, whatever it might become, is a completely different thing. I can’t tell you what the outcome of your meeting will be.”

Rationally speaking, Alec knew it was true. Just because Magnus and Luke knew each other and were almost friends, not just a therapist and a patient, it didn’t mean he could form any kind of friendship with Magnus. Not everyone becomes friends with everyone, life doesn’t work like that.

“Is he a good person?” Alec asked quietly.

Luke smiled, and it was an honest smile. “He is.”

That’s all Alec could get from Luke, and for some reason it seemed to be all he needed to calm his nerves. He could do this. No matter what the outcome would be, he was going to get that coffee with Magnus, try to get to know him. He was tired of living like this, being afraid of people leaving him was weighing him down, almost suffocating him. He knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but maybe he was finally ready to give it a try.

* * *

Alec was taking a short nap after coming back home from Luke's office when he heard knocking on his door. It was his day off, and he planned on catching on some sleep, maybe reading a book before meeting Magnus in the afternoon. Anything that could would make him relax and stop freaking out so much. It looked like the universe had something else in mind. 

He sighed.

Alec stretched and yawned, he felt the tiredness creeping into all his bones, and suddenly he felt like an old man. _Wonderful_.

He put his bathrobe on, and the second he opened the door his friends and Izzy walked right into the apartment, not giving him a chance to say anything.

Maia pushed a bag of chips into his arms. “They made me come here,” she said and sat down on his large couch in the living room.

“What is this?” Alec asked when everyone got themselves comfortable on the couch next to Maia, talking over each other. He crossed his arms, but he must’ve looked hilarious with his angry face and wearing a bathrobe.

Everyone stopped talking and looked at him like he was supposed to know why they were all here, like he should’ve expected them. He didn’t. He was pretty sure none of them called or even texted to mention they were coming. He might've been extremely tired, but he always remembered about all meetings he agreed to.

Izzy and Underhill walked to him, almost lying on his shoulders. “We’re here to help you to dress for your big date,” Izzy said with a smirk.

“Oh, _it’s not a date_ ,” Underhill corrected her, an even bigger smirk on his face, “it’s just coffee.” Was it okay to smack your best friend when he was making fun of you in front of your other friends?

Alec shook them off of his shoulders. “It _is_ just a coffee. And I know how to dress myself,” he huffed.

All of them sighed in unison, sometimes he was wondering how they could all be so different and yet so much in sync. They clearly spent way too much time together.

He looked at Maia expectantly, only she could truly understand him in situations like this, she didn’t like people getting into her business either. But she only raised her arms as if she tried to say ‘hey, don’t look at me.’ Great, amazing. He was on his own.

“We know you can dress yourself, Alec,” Clary said, “but let us help? We just want to help.”

This time it was Alec who sighed loudly. He didn’t need any help. But at the same time, having them in his apartment right now would probably help to calm his nerves. A session with Luke and some quality time with his friends should relax him a little bit. Right?

Clary went into his kitchen to prepare drinks for everyone, the rest were waiting for Alec.

* * *

He prepared some outfit options the day before, he was always a person who wanted to have everything planned out first so nothing could surprise him. And if he couldn’t avoid all surprises, at least they would have as minimal effect on his life as possible. Planning allowed him to have control over the events happening in his life, even if it was completely not true. But having everything ready beforehand was something that he did all his life, even when he was a kid and was preparing for the next day at school.

He put all the outfits on the floor of his living room, while his friends were fighting for the last chip in the bag. Alec couldn’t help but chuckle. Being an official adult was overrated anyway.

“Okay, so before we go to that,” Clary said when she won the last chip, “look,” she showed everyone the photo of a girl. “I think I’m in love,” she added, a bit too dramatically for her own good. She was always falling in love with girls, looking for one true love.

She fell down on the couch, pretending to be fainting. Everyone laughed, but not in a mean way. They wanted her to be happy. Though Clary definitely had a thing for dramatics.

“So where did you meet her?” Underhill asked.

She stood up again, and took her phone from them to swipe to the next photo to show them a sketch of a tattoo. “She’s a client. I’m meeting with her tomorrow again, I’m so not ready.”

The group laughed in unison again.

“Just make sure your hands are steady or you’re fired,” Alec said completely seriously.

“Geez, thanks,” she rolled her eyes. She knew Alec was only joking. “What am I supposed to do? She’s so pretty.”

Maia, always the reasonable one, took the phone from her to look at the photo properly. “She is pretty, I’ll give you that. But perhaps you should ask her out first, before you fell in love,” she commented and winked.

Alec noticed Izzy looking up immediately, clearly not happy about Maia appreciating some other girl’s beauty when she was in love with her. Maybe Alec should’ve talked to Izzy about this, help her out somehow. But how could someone like him, a person who knew nothing about approaching people, help Izzy to be brave and come clean about her feelings and finally ask Maia out?

Instead of saying something, Izzy walked to Alec’s clothes to take a closer look at all the options that Alec had prepared last night. His style could be described as classic, or at least that’s what he always said to everyone who questioned him. He preferred darker colours, but he didn’t mind an occasional shirt with some brighter colours. It was a new development, though. For the longest time he would wear only black clothes. They were great when he wanted to hide from everyone around him. Being almost invisible just worked for him. These days he was trying to find his style, he liked experimenting with colours. It was fun.

The whole group started discussing his clothes, what colour would bring out the colour of his eyes, which shirt he should wear to show off his muscles, which ones would let him hide or expose his tattoos. In the end, they all agreed on the black jeans that were extremely tight, though. Alec had to try really hard not to facepalm right in front of them. The only reason he owned that pair was because he got drunk before going shopping with Clary and Underhill, and somehow they managed to convince him to buy them.

However, he decided to follow his friends’ advice. Without their advice, he probably would’ve spent at least an hour trying to decide between all the options. He chose the black jeans that they recommended, and a dark green button-up shirt that worked just perfectly with the shade of his eyes. Or so he had been told. It was also showing off his neck tattoo. He always put his tattoos on display as much as he could, he wanted to people to accept him as he was, and tattoos were a huge part of his world. Not only was he creating them for a living, but he also had a collection on his own body. If someone had issues with them, he knew from the start it could never be a good match.

“Make sure to do something with your hair,” Underhill said. He was holding his chin between his thumb and his forefinger, as if he was some art expert.

“What’s wrong with my hair?” Alec asked defensively.

Clary came closer to him and started moving his hair in all different directions, making Alec furrow his brow because he tried to see what she was doing. He usually didn’t allow people to touch him without asking, but his closest friends were an exception. That didn’t mean he was okay with anyone messing with his hair, though.

“Okay, leave the guy alone,” Maia finally came to his rescue. “He was on a date before, he’s not completely clueless.”

“Thank you,” he sighed. “At least one person here understands me,” he huffed.

Alec went into his bedroom to put the clothes on. He sprayed his favourite cologne, enjoying the scent. He had to admit, he didn’t look quite bad. But then, when he was finishing buttoning up his shirt, Maia’s words finally registered in his brain. She said that he was on a date _before_ , and he didn’t deny that the meeting with Magnus was a date. Did he want it to be a date? He didn’t want a proper date for such a long time now. Why the sudden change? 

But no, this wasn’t a date. It was purely a meeting between two people that could become friends. Maybe. Hopefully.

His brain was just tired, he barely slept. That must’ve been the reason why he didn’t connect all the facts, and didn’t correct Maia.

Alec got out of his bedroom and span around slowly to show the whole look. Izzy and his friends started whistling making him blush a little. He didn't blush very often anymore, but being the centre of attention was still something he was getting used to. 

At least nobody mentioned that he basically confirmed a date with Magnus by accident. He appreciated it. He wasn’t even sure how to explain it at this point.

“Okay, I have a client in an hour so I gotta go,” Maia said when she saw that Alec was ready and much, much calmer.

“I’ll go with you,” Izzy said immediately. “I mean, I love watching you do tattoos, maybe I’ll get inspired for my next one,” she added soon after, covering her tracks.

_Maybe one day_ , Alec thought.

Soon after, the rest of the group left as well, wishing him luck, and leaving him with positive thoughts.

* * *

He reached the café an hour later, and waited for Magnus to show up. He could feel the nerves building up inside of him once more, and his hands were shaking a little bit again. Alec took a long and deep breath. “You can do this,” he told himself, “it’s okay.”

He got a text from Jace as soon as he took his coat off, followed by a text from Simon. Both of them wishing him luck on his date. Alec didn't have time to correct them, but he was happy to see the texts. It's been two months since Simon started his tour in Europe. Jace, as his manager, was always by his side, making sure that everything was going smoothly. They would be back for Christmas, but Alec missed them.

Magnus walked into the café couple of minutes later, and this time Alec forgot how to breathe. He knew Magnus was really attractive, but somehow seeing him in the daylight, when it was actually sunny for a change, it was a truly different experience.

His hair was up, and it was shimmering a little bit as if he put a tiny amount of glitter in it. His makeup was absolutely spotless, and Alec would know. Izzy loved doing her makeup, and she loved telling Alec and Jace all about it when they were teenagers. Magnus was sporting a goatee, and Alec began to wonder how it would feel against his own skin. “ _What the fuck, Lightwood, calm down._ ” This really was about to turn into a disaster.

Magnus noticed him before he had to wave or call for him, which was a good thing. He didn’t want people to pay attention to him, when he was already nervous enough about the whole situation.

“Hello, Alexander,” he said with a smile, and sat down in front of Alec. “Sorry if I kept you waiting.”

“Hi, and no, I’ve just arrived too,” Alec replied and returned the smile. 

Magnus took off his burgundy coat, revealing a tight black shirt with a waistcoat. His arms were so huge and his shoulder were so broad that Alec had a feeling the shirt might rip open any second now. He wasn't prepared for this. Fuck.

Soon after Magnus was out of his coat and sitting comfortably, the waitress came to their table to take the order. Alec usually drank a latte, not a big fan of black coffee anymore. Too bitter. Perhaps drinking it throughout his whole time in high school was enough.

“And what’s it going to be for you, sir?” she asked, directing her question to Magnus next.

“Peppermint mocha, please, extra chocolate curls.”

“Coming right up. Today we have delicious gingerbread in our offer if you're interested.”

“No, thank you, not really in the Christmassy mood,” Magnus said and looked at Alec waiting for his reply.

“Coffee’s enough, thank you.”

The waitress nodded, and went to prepare their drinks.

Alec couldn’t help but smile. “Really?” Magnus looked at him confused, not sure what he meant. “Not in the Christmassy mood? You just ordered one of the most Christmassy drinks.”

Magnus laughed. It was a beautiful sound, a sound that he would love to hear again. It was so much better than the disappointment he heard when they first met, he still couldn’t get it out of his head. If he was being honest, he couldn’t get Magnus out of his head either. He would start daydreaming in the most random moments of his day, causing Underhill to tease him on more than one occasion. 

“I’ve never enjoyed Christmas that much, I just like fancy coffee,” Magnus explained and winked.

He actually winked and Alec was gone yet again, the nerves coming back with the speed of light. 

The coffee was right in front of them couple of minutes later. Alec took a sip, forgetting to put sugar in it. He cringed a little, when the hot liquid hit his taste buds. Alec put his mug on the table and reached out for the sugar, almost spilling the coffee on the table.

“Shit, I’m sorry,” he said nervously, trying to take a napkin to wipe the droplets that manage to escape from the mug.

Magnus reached out to him, but not touching him. “You do that a lot, huh?” Alec blinked, his brain not working properly. “Apologise?” Magnus chuckled.

Alec relaxed a little bit, Magnus was teasing him. “I suppose I do.”

Magnus helped him wipe out the table, and then took a sip out of his peppermint mocha. There was little bit of whipped cream above Magnus’ lips, but he licked it off in a second, leaving Alec absolutely speechless. _Good God, have some mercy_.

Magnus seemed to have noticed it, there was a small smile on his lips.

They enjoyed their coffees in silence for a while, trying to find the rhythm of their meeting. They didn’t know much about each other, not sure which topics were safe and which ones should be avoided.

“So how did you decide to open your own tattoo studio?” Magnus asked finally.

“I’ve always enjoyed doodling. I would draw all the time, even before I knew how to walk,” Alec chuckled. “And then in high school I got fascinated with tattoo artists’ works. How they drew their lines, what equipment they used, how they mixed colours so they would look just as good on skin as they did on paper. I started getting tattoos when I was eighteen, I tattooed myself too, mostly to practice, but these are embarrassing,” he blushed.

Magnus raised his brow. “Interesting. So I’m guessing your parents weren’t big fans?”

Alec nodded. “The understatement of the year. But my mother changed in the last five years, she’s become really supportive to all of us. She lives in Australia with my little brother, though, so she can't visit very often.”

Magnus didn’t ask about his father. Maybe he could’ve sensed Alec didn’t want to talk about the man when he didn’t mention him. He didn’t like to talk about how his family fell apart right in front of his eyes and how it left him a mess because there was nothing he could do to fix it, it was so difficult to deal with it. Family was incredibly important to Alec, he would do anything to protect it. So when Robert tried to ruin it with his affair and with what followed after, Alec didn’t consider him his father anymore.

“What about your work?” he asked to change the subject. “The photos you showed me were amazing.”

Magnus smiled again, the little crinkles around his eyes were so adorable.

“Thank you, I’m taking a break, though.”

“Is this because of the story behind the tattoo?”

Magnus got quiet immediately, and put down his coffee. He wasn't smiling anymore, he looked like he was thinking about that story. It was clearly something Magnus didn't want to talk about, especially to a complete stranger. Why did he even ask about that? Sometimes he should really think longer before saying the first thing that came to his mind.

“You don’t have to tell me, it’s not my place, I’m s-“

“You don’t have to apologise,” Magnus raised his hand to interrupt him, “it’s okay. But it's not something that I talk about with many people, I'm not ready to talk about it yet.”

Alec nodded, not sure what he could say. But he noticed, how Magnus said _yet_. 

“Tell me about your job, your clients, I’m sure you have many stories.”

And so Alec did. He told him about how he created the studio with the help of his friends and his siblings. Izzy and Jace always supported his dream of becoming a professional tattoo artist, even when their parents wanted him to have “a real job”. He told him about the clients who come to his studio to have some ridiculous designs on parts of their bodies Alec wished he never had to see. He told him about the first time he did Izzy’s tattoo because she got accepted to her dream university. He told him about the first time he did Jace’s tattoo that was in the memory of his biological parents who died in a car accident when he was 12. And finally he told him about what the job means to him, how he found purpose in his work. It wasn’t just meaningless doodling, his tattoos were a work of art that people had on their bodies for the rest of their lives. He was helping people to move on, while remembering people and events in their lives. He even told him how it took him a while to actually be proud of his work. Alec didn’t say that to many people, it was his big insecurity. But now, after years of being a tattoo artist that was recognised in his field, he became confident about his work.

In return Magnus told him about his photography. How he started with a shitty camera bought by his mother when he was a kid. How hard he worked to improve his craft, why he chose what and who to photograph. He talked about how much time and effort it took to make his dream come true. He also mentioned how he stopped taking photos for magazines to do something more meaningful, but didn’t want to get too deep into the subject. 

Alec didn’t push, perhaps one day Magnus would share his reasons with him.

Before they realised, it was already dark outside. It wasn’t very late but the day was always so short in late November. Alec paid the bill, insisting that he was the one who invited Magnus. Magnus smiled and said he’d be the one paying the next time they’d meet.

_So there would be a next time_.

* * *

They’ve been walking together towards subway station in comfortable silence. Magnus was right next to him, but he kept his distance. Yet Alec could still feel the warmth radiating from the man. It was such an interesting contrast to feel this warmth when the temperature was so low. He felt a shiver going through his body.

Suddenly Magnus stopped walking in the middle of the sidewalk. People around them started cursing at him for stopping right in front of them, almost making them to walk into him. Alec looked at him and noticed immediately that something wasn’t right. Magnus wasn’t blinking, he was just staring at something, but Alec couldn’t tell what it was. Magnus’ breathing was becoming erratic, he put his hand on his chest, trying to calm himself down but it clearly wasn’t working.

“Magnus, hey, what is it?” Alec tried reaching out. Magnus didn’t react, but Alec managed to walk him towards a wall of the building so he could lean against it, making sure not to touch him in a moment like that.

Alec would often get panic attacks when he was in high school, to the point where it was difficult to show up at school. People always judged him for it, but most of them never stopped to ask if there was something wrong. However, with time he developed several coping techniques to make the panic attacks go away as soon as possible. With time his panic attacks became less frequent, but he still struggled with them.

He wasn’t sure if it was a common thing for Magnus, though, he barely knew him. If they were, he probably had his own ways of dealing with them, but he wasn’t about to stay around and wait for Magnus to get better all by himself.

Alec dismissed several passers-by saying that they didn’t require their help, before he stood right in front of Magnus. Too many people trying to help could be too overwhelming, and making him feel even worse.

“Hey, Magnus,” he looked at him but Magnus struggled with looking back at him. He was staring at his feet, trying to stop hyperventilating.

“Go away,” he breathed out, clutching harder to the wall.

“Breathe with me, okay? We can do this together. Everything’s okay, just try to breathe at the same pace with me, I’ve got you.”

He took a long deep breath, and then let it out. He repeated the action until Magnus started following him. It wasn't easy at first, but with time he focused on Alec's face and his pace of breathing. Alec couldn’t tell how long it took Magnus to finally calm down, but by the time he was breathing properly, he looked completely exhausted, the tears in his eyes threatening to fall down his cheeks.

Alec opened his backpack and took out a water bottle. He always carried one with him. “Drink up, it’ll help.”

Magnus didn’t say a word but took the bottle and drank couple of sips. When he gave Alec the bottle back, he seemed more relaxed. However, he looked as if he was embarrassed. As if he didn't want Alec to see that side of him. As if seeing him in a vulnerable position would make Alec leave him.

“Do you want me to walk you home?” he asked and Magnus only nodded.

The ride on the subway, and then walking towards Magnus’ flat happened in complete silence. Alec wasn’t sure what to say, he didn’t want to pry, didn’t want to ask questions Magnus might have not wanted to answer. Alec could still see the embarrassment written all over his face. He wanted to make this better somehow, but he understood how it felt like to have a panic attack in front of people who didn't understand. But Alec _did_ understand. Magnus didn't know that, though. Alec wanted to tell him that Magnus had nothing to be ashamed of, but all of that felt like empty words. Alec always thought talking with his actions was the only way to assure someone he meant it. Words could never do that.

Magnus stopped in front of a big brown building, and he finally looked at Alec.

“Would you like to come in for a cup of tea?” he asked. His voice was shaky, and a bit hoarse.

“If it’s okay with you,” Alec replied and smiled gently.

Magnus showed him into the living room and then focused on preparing the tea. Alec sat down on the couch and looked around the flat.

It was a spacious loft. Evidence of two people living there was everywhere. He noticed Magnus’ collection of boots right next to the door, a hospital uniform was drying next to the big window with the view on the Brooklyn Bridge. It must’ve been Catarina’s. Magnus told him about her a little bit.

Few minutes later, Magnus put the tea in front of Alec, and then some sugar. He sat down on the couch, lifting the legs from the floor and tucking them under himself. Alec could see the shiver going through his whole body when he drank piping hot liquid.

“I feel like I owe you an explanation,” Magnus finally said, his fingers tightening around his mug. 

“You don’t, I mean it. I know how difficult it is to struggle with panic attacks. I’m just glad you’re okay.”

Magnus gave him a small, understanding smile, and put his mug down on the table. Alec could see him visibly relax when he didn't freak out about what had happened, when he understood what Magnus had just been through.

“I thought I saw someone,” Magnus started the story, Alec didn’t dare to say anything. “Someone from my past. Someone who did a lot of bad things. Someone who used my trust, and lots of people suffered. He’s supposed to be in prison,” Magnus huffed, and took his mug into his hands again. “So when I saw someone looking like him right in the middle of New York, I just-“ 

He wasn't looking at Alec, his eyes were focused on his tea. Alec could only imagine how hard it must've been to see someone like that, even if that wasn't the same person. All Alec wanted was to fix it somehow. He always tried to do this. He just wanted Magnus to feel better. Even if just for a while.

“You’re safe, Magnus, I promise.”

Magnus looked up, there was surprise on his face. He clearly didn't expect that kind of declaration. Maybe it wasn’t Alec’s place to make promises like that, maybe there wasn’t anything he could say to make the situation better. But right now, right there, Magnus was safe, and Alec would make sure of that.

Magnus opened his Netflix account and started a random episode of Queer Eye. They were laughing, and wiping their tears away. The Fab 5 was filling their souls with this warm feeling. It felt good, calming. And being here with Magnus felt like the most natural thing in the world.

Before Alec realised it, Magnus fell asleep on his shoulder. He smiled and brushed his hair away. Magnus was calm, breathing peacefully, and Alec couldn't wipe the biggest smile from his face. He took the blanket that was lying on the couch gently and wrapped it around both of them. He fell asleep few minutes later.

**Author's Note:**

> so hey, the first meeting probably could've gone better but... they're trying okay. it'll only get better, i promise.
> 
> since we have no idea what underhill's real name is, i might change it if we get it in 3b. BUT i once tweeted steve byers if underhill's name was steven and he liked the tweet so lmao it probably meant nothing but he does need a name in this fic, it'd be awkward if alec didn't know his bff's name


End file.
